if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
