I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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