Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
