We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
