I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize