Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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