I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
