I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
