I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
