note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
