Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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