my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
