I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
