I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
