also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
