When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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