I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're not piercing ourselves today.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize