Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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