Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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