My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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