Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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