And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
