Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
