Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
