You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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