My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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