dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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