i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
