It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
