You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
