I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Randomize
