My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
