Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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