Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
