the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
