Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
