I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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