Betty ford says i'm here all night
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
