so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
