Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
