I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
