after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
