wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
