it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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