Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
