I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize