explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
