Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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