My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
