We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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