What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
