the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
