Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize