TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
