I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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