Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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