The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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